how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
