What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
