3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
