He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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