we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
we're making bets on your personal life
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
