I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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