It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
