True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
