the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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