Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
