i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
