Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
