I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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