I wish my penis had an off switch
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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