Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
