If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
she told me i tasted like america
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
