Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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