Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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