you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
