you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
