you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
