I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
