The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
