U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
so much tequila, so little girl.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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