hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
