the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
