Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
