you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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