I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I supernannyed him into submission
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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