I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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