What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
