I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
