I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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