When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
