my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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