I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
