you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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