Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
