Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
