Michael Bay diarrhea
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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