we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
