She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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