im six kinds of drunk right now
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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