I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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