Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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