Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
