I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
