we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
