I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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