Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
